Hello! Where have I been?

I thought my blogging output would increase when I finally had a PC at home. Unfortunately, the opposite has been the case. I have several legitimate excuses: longer work hours, busier after-work schedule, spending my after-work wiritng time on actual paying gigs, etc. But that's not fair to you, my loyal reader(s).

So here's what we're going to do. At least for the immediate feature, we're undergoing a format change here at GLS. Details to follow.

I am sick of this namby-pamby world

Yes, it's been three months since I posted. I haven't been particularly inspired to foist my opinions on the world -- mainly because I haven't had any really strong ones. But boy, am I coming back swinging.

It seems a newspaper reporter has been chastened and compelled to apologize for comments he made on a sports talk show regarding Michael Vick. Here's a snippet of the Associated Press article on it.

PITTSBURGH (AP) -- A newspaper reporter who said Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick would have been "better off raping a woman" than being charged with dogfighting has apologized and will no longer appear on the local sports panel TV show where he made the remark. Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reporter Paul Zeise made the comments Sunday night on the Sports Showdown show on KDKA-TV, a CBS affiliate. He was disagreeing with another panelist who said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell should suspend Vick for the rest of the season because he was indicted on federal dogfighting charges July 17. "It's really a sad day in this country when somehow ... Michael Vick would have been better off raping a woman if you look at the outcry of what happened," Zeise said. "Had he done that, he probably would have been suspended for four games and he'd be back on the field. But because this has become a political issue, all of a sudden the commissioner has lost his stomach for it."

***

"I regret the poor choice of analogies I used to characterize a professional athlete's legal situation," Zeise said. KDKA apologized on its Monday newscasts and said Zeise, one of a group of rotating panelists on the show, will not be invited back. Zeise's "insensitive and offensive" remarks "do not represent the view of the Post-Gazette," the newspaper said in a statement Monday.

Insensitive? Offensive? How, exactly? I mean, is there anyone out there so monumentally thick-headed he or she actually thinks Zeise was saying raping a woman is a good thing? Is that whose sensibilities we are looking to protect? I'm not even convinced that's the angle, but I'll be damned if I can figure out exactly what else it could be.

I want to live in a world where analogies and hyperbole are permitted. I want to live in a world where an unpopular opinion can be voiced without its originator fearing for his or her job.

I know freedom of speech doesn't apply in this situation. How about the freedom to have an adult discussion? Maybe it's worse for me because I'm a writer, but I'm almost physically ill right now.

'Concentrate on the moment'

Hmmmm ... it's been a while, hasn't it? Let's eas back into this blogging thing.

Mueller’s 'slash and burn' could make Dolphins more productive

If you're not a Dolphin fan, you may want to stop reading. But I am, and today was a rather significant day for the franchise. (Please note: the following essay assumes the reported release of Randy McMichael is a done deal.

***

First it was Jeno James, Kevin Carter, Seth McKinney and Kevin Vickerson. Then it was Damian McIntosh and Sammy Morris. Now, the list of ex-Dolphins has expanded to include tight end Randy McMichael, wide receiver Wes Welker and quarterback Joey Harrington.

“The woods are burning,” as Willy Loman said so famously, and many Dolphin fans are smelling the smoke and pulling the nearest alarm. My first thought was to envision General Manager Randy Mueller as a reincarnated William Tecumseh Sherman, the Civil War general who burned everything in sight as he marched to the ocean. But the more research I’ve done, the more Mueller’s approach reminds me of the agricultural technique known as “slash and burn.” More on that in a moment.

First of all, let me say how good it feels to write about a general manager calling the shots for the Dolphins — and not a hybrid general manager/coach so desperate to prove he does one job well that he completely screws up the other. That’s not to say first-year Head Coach Cam Cameron won’t have some input in personnel, but his main job is to design an offense that will score points, and it is Mueller’s job to get him the components that fit that design.

Now, back to this business of slashing and burning. The idea (and this is grossly oversimplifying things) is to take old crops, bind them together, let them dry out, then burn them — thereby enriching the soil for more productive future crops. In fact, the very chemical nature of the solid changes as a result.

And this is what the Dolphins front office is trying to do: change the very chemistry of the team. Goodness knows the current team composition has only resulted in disappointment. And so, the offseason started with the somewhat expected and (mostly uncontroversial) releases of James, McKinney, Carter and Vickerson. Then, McIntosh and Morris got their walking papers, and a few sets of eyebrows went up. This is principally because there are no apparent replacements for these players in the wings ready to take over.

Then today, all hell broke loose. After searching unsuccessfully for a trade partner, the Dolphins released McMichael. Then the team traded fan favorite and poster boy for overachievement Wes Welker go to the hated Patriots for a second and a seventh round pick in the same draft. Harrington's release, though expected, was no less significant in terms of financial savings.

That clicking sound you’re hearing is a sizable chunk of the Dolphin fan base repeatedly mashing the panic button. As is the case with McIntosh and Morris, it doesn’t help that there are no immediate replacements coming in the revolving door as McMichael and Welker head out. Well, you could count oft-injured Green Bay tight end David Martin and former Tennessee Volunteer standout Kelley Washington. (Martin has actually been signed; Washington has not, as of press time.) Or not.

Assuming both transactions occur, fans would have some right to cry foul. After all, even though the offense was stagnant last year, McMichael and Welker were two of the bright spots, right? Why get rid of two of the few players who actually produced?

Resurrection vs. recreation

The answer lies in what one has to assume is Mueller’s goal for the offense, if not the whole team. It is apparent the unit has gone from merely needing a few holes plugged to requiring a total overhaul. To make an analogy with just as many holes: a rusted-out Lamborghini that happens to have some perfectly fine performance tires is still no good. Even if you resurrected the current incarnation of the Dolphins offense to perfect health, it would not get the job done.

That’s because ever since Dan Marino’s retirement, the Dolphins offense has been constructed with the goal of holding on to the ball long enough to keep the defense fresh enough to eventually win games. That’s why Jay Fiedler at his best managed a game rather than leading the offense. Even the wildly popular Wes Welker is known for picking up key first downs, not scoring touchdowns.

But the times, they are a-changin’. As Cam Cameron said during his introductory press conference, “You got to score. That's the oldest principle in this game … That's the way it works.” Randy Mueller seems committed to building a new Dolphins offense in Cam Cameron’s image, and that involves a complete overhaul. That’s why players like McMichael and Welker may be more valuable to the Dolphins for the resources they can yield, not the developed weapons they are.

But that’s also where the slash-and-burn technique is problematic. In the agricultural world, it takes several seasons to evaluate how successful a slash-and-burn approach has been. Mueller and Cameron may not have several seasons. In today’s NFL, especially last year’s ridiculously atypical turnaround of the New Orleans Saints, building Rome in a day seems completely reasonable. And while such a quick turnaround is possible for the Dolphins, it seems unlikely. Thus, the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth that goes up from South Florida as the woods burn.

I’m withholding judgment on the front office purge to see how the offseason plays out. I’ll admit once word broke as I wrote this column that McMichael would be released rather than traded, my optimism waned a bit. That said, it is still encouraging to see an aggressive course being charted. That the destination is obscured at the moment is troubling, but having offense as a priority is a refreshing change. Now, it’s just time to see what fresh crops are grown.

Don't you "sweetheart" me!

Sorry for my autobiographical constipation, dear readers. I'm about to let my vowels loose to try and make up for it.

First-up, as a public service, I present my "American Idol" Bottom-Line Recap for Feb. 20, 2007. It was the first Guys' Night Out, and it proceeded thusly:

Rudy Cardenas — Suck.
Brandon Rogers — Suck.
Sundance Head — Suck.
Paul Kim — Suckie suckie.
Chris Richardson — Suck.
Nick Pedro — Suck.
Blake Lewis — Cool.
Sanjaya Malakar — Suck.
Chris Sligh — Cool.
Jared Cotter — Suck.
AJ Tabaldo — Suck.
Phil Stacey — Cool.

What? Not meaty enough for you? I'm just keeping it real, dog. If you want more details on the singers, check out the deliciously snarky Average Jane or the "Wait Until I see a Whole Episode and THEN I'll Really Get Started" Sassy.

Actually, the most entertaining/uncomfortable moments of the night were provided by host Ryan Seacrest and embittered Brit Simon Cowell. After an evening in which Cowell was crankier than usual, Seacrest took him to task for his general grumpiness, to which Cowell responded, "I'm just trying to be honest, sweetheart."

“Don’t call me sweetheart. ... We don’t have that kind of relationship,” Seacrest said. “I don’t want that kind of relationship.”

“I don’t want that kind of relationship,” repeated Cowell, to which Seacrest replied: “Exactly. We’ll just work together, that’s fine with me.”

Eegads. If I didn't know better, I'd say Seacrest was auditioning for a murderous redneck in "The Laramie Project." But "Idol" noob that I am, I was informed the dueling duo are actually good friends in "real life." So it seems more likely this was just a good-natured queen-fight.

It's a good thing, too. I was halfway expecting one or the other to call in these guys for reinforcements.

***

In other news

I was able to roll through our alley without assistance today for the first time since the Great Snow of '07, which has been quickly followed by the Great Melt of '07. In fact, I was able to roll around with only a long-sleeved shirt this afternoon*, further evidence that when you mix Illinois's already-volatile weather with climatic change (nee "global warming) and shake well, you get Corn Belt End Times.

*In the spirit of full disclosure, I was in fact wearing pants along with my long-sleeved shirt.

Speaking of slush, I've discovered that my least productive window at work is from 1:30 to 3 p.m. It's like I'm stuck in cold gray stuff, and I have to rock my mind back and forth for about 90 minutes before rolling free of it.

A sure sign I'm getting old is that I've been spending more time on line playing Scrabble than surfing for porn. It's not just the gray creeping into my goatee that gives it away now.

Mrs. Z is on the road a lot these days selling class rings as a soldier in the Josten's army. She seems quite happy, and that makes The Good Doctor happy.

It also allows for White Castle (last night) and Jack in the Box (tonight) runs. Literally and figuratively.

It seems strange not to be banging our heads against a wall preparing a Muni audition. While it's a season that should sell well, there's absolutely nothing there for the missus or me, which gives us time to focus on our burgeoning TV watching:

• Grease: You're the One That I Want
• The Amazing Race: All-Star Edition
• Heroes
• 24
• Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
• American Idol
• Jericho
• Lost
• Survivor: Fiji
• CSI

I'm not saying I'm turning into a couch potato, but that's only because I rarely sit on the couch.

Why is this man *not* smiling

I love watching politicians making fools of themselves.

Senator Joe Biden today showed why he is more renown for stealing others’ words than for the quality of his own because of comments he made to the New York Observer, in which he said Barack Obama: "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."

And this, on the day he announces his candidacy for president! Brilliant!

His spin jockey isn’t much smarter. "Clean is a synonym for fresh and new," Biden campaign spokesman said. "And if you look at the context of the quote it's obvious that's what he meant. And certainly anybody who knows Sen. Biden wouldn't question that."

Uh, no, Rasky. “Clean” doesn’t mean “new” or “fresh.” It would have been far easier to say "Obama is clean in the sense that he is -- to this point -- unbesmirched by scandal."

I’m not saying Joe Biden is racist. I’m saying he’s a stupid politician. Which is to say -- he’s a politician.

Hee hee.

The Good Son

Tonight, I am going to see this person in concert.



The reason for this is that my mother, whose birthday is in 13 days, is a huge fan of the aforementioned comic (in fact, I believe he is her favorite comedian), and I wanted to give her something nice for her birthday. So we will be dining and seeing the show together.

When you consider that my favorite comedian is this gentleman, my level of personal sacrifice becomes a bit clearer.


Of course, now that I’ve become a regular watcher of American Idol, I no longer have any justification in taking the cultural high ground. So tonight, we GIT-R-DONE.

*sigh*

My new crush

It's been awhile since I was this excited over a musical discovery. Ladies and gentlemen, Imogen Heap.



She's nominated for Best New Artist this year (though she hasn't a chance at winning, sadly). And she brings to the table a lot of my favorite musical elements (vocal harmony, synthesizer, thoughtful, lyrics, etc.)

I highly recommend checking out some of her work.

Who's a fat panda?

Ok, I promise you, dear readers that this is not turning into an all-pandas, all-the-time blog. But I had to chuckle at and share this item from MSNBC.com bemoaning the fate of poor Chuang Chuang.

It seems this male resident of Chiang Mai Zoo in northern Thailand has become, well, too fat to, well ... you know. Amusing alliteration aside, this has to be a demoralizing wake-up call to male pandas everywhere. No longer can you skate merely by being adorable; there comes a point at which your obesity kills your sex life, no matter how damn cute you are.

Chuang Chuang is going on a diet to remedy the problem. Let's hope other would-be panda playas out there take the hint. I'd hate to see this condition turn into a ... wait for it ... pandemic.

Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!

Oh. My. God.

'24.'

Oh. My. God.

See link at right, fans. All others ... you can cope.

Panda-ering to my readers

This literally got me through the day. Enjoy.

… as in olden days

Mrs. Z and I (well, Mrs. Z mostly) put up our Christmas tree Sunday night. I’ll give those of you who know us fairly well a moment to recover.

You see, we haven’t always been the most festive observers of the Yuletide season. It probably started 12 years ago, when my father passed away suddenly a month before Christmas. The next two years, I was saddled with major illnesses around the holidays. After that … well, we were out of practice.

Now don’t get me wrong, we always celebrate Christmas and are happy to do so. It’s just that we don’t generally have a month-long run-up of THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. Last year, that started to change when Mrs. Z and I started a new Christmas Eve tradition, the Downtown Dash. (You can read all about that here.)

But this year, we both got a full dose of THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT – and early. A large amount of the credit has to go to this lovely lady, who not only shared with us her exuberance for the holidays, but was a real inspiration for our renovating "The Pit." With a clean and organized apartment, we were able to purchase a new Christmas tree and give it a wonderful home where the coffee table normally sits.

By the time it was set up – with its white lights, silver-bell garland, red ribbons, silver ball ornaments, candy canes and a few-sizes-too-large, tree-topping star, I could only stare at it slack-jawed and murmur “It’s beautiful” repeatedly. It really is. And it was in that moment that I realized THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT had just swept over me like a wave in which I didn’t mind drowning.

While this glorious tree has had a lot to do with it, my joy this Christmastime has as much to do with being surrounded by and closer to those I love — perhaps more than ever before. This year has brought a lot of turmoil, but overcoming such strife has left me with a feeling of gratitude I could never have had if the 2006 had gone smoothly.

As I sit bathed in the surprisingly bright glow of the Christmas tree, I can feel its white light pouring into my heart. And it seems to be offering itself as a candle I can hold out before me to light the way in the coming year. I reach out to take the hands of those who love me and invite them to walk with me.

This glow, this light, this SPIRIT … I offer it to you, dear readers. Take some of it to light your way. Let’s walk together, if only for a little while.

Merry Christmas.

I dare you not to smile

Just when you think it can't get any better, the counter hits 1:09.

A bit of music fanboyishness

I just sent this off to Lindsey Buckingham.

Lindsey:

I hardly ever write fan mail, but I just wanted to drop you a note and thank you for your music. I had been aware of your music (and that of Fleetwood Mac) for many, many years, but I only really started to listen to it in the last five years. During that time, my admiration for your songwriting, instrumental craftsmanship and passionate singing has grown exponentially.

Then, last night, I watched your CMT "Crossroads" special with Little Big Town and was reminded anew how you pour yourself into your music more than any other artist I know. And I thought about one of my biggest regrets: how I wish I could have become a devoted fan of yours while my father was still alive (he passed away in 1994). Dad was a great guitarist and soaked up the work of other fantastic guitar players, and I am convinced he would have been as big a Lindsey Buckingham fanatic as I have become. Indeed, I think of my father often when I listen to your music. And that's just another reason to love your work.

So that's why I'm writing: to tell you how much your music has touched me and to thank you for it. I'm glad your latest work is getting good recognition, and I wish you the best as your career continues.

Stephen Sykes
Springfield, IL

If you want some prime examples of why I'm gushing, check out "Under the Skin" or "Out of the Cradle."

Extra crispy legislation: government moves to save us from ourselves

It was barely more than a “News of the Weird” item when word began circulating that New York City was considering outlawing the use of trans fats in its restaurants. How would the archetypical NYC cop survive without donuts, one of the most egregious trans-fat transgressors? And we chuckled.

Today, the trans-fat ruling is the lead item on many online news services.

‘The Board of Health voted Tuesday to make New York the nation’s first city to ban artery-clogging artificial trans fats at restaurants — from the corner pizzeria to high-end bakeries,” states MSNBC.com. “Restaurants will be barred from using most frying oils containing artificial trans fats by July and will have to eliminate the artificial trans fats from all of their foods by July 2008.”

The ban is not New York’s first foray into aggressive health promotion. The city was one of the first to enact a comprehensive public smoking ban — a legislative trend which only recently reached my hometown of “Springpatch,” Ill. So within three years, NYC has moved to clear its residents’ lungs and its arteries.

Here’s the $64,000 question. Many of us are, at best, offended, and at worst, frightened, when a government tries to tell us what is immoral or obscene (see gay marriage or Nipplegate). But what will the volume of the outcry be as government begins to legislate health more and more? Readers?

Slingin' and swingin'

You Are Spider-Man

Quick and agile, you have killer instincts (literally). And that kind of makes up for the whole creepy spider thing.

What Superhero Are You?

Eat your heart out, Jack London

Mrs. Z is home. My office is closing at 3 p.m. because of the encroaching wintry mess. Life is good.

In praise of Douglas

"Asking people about their opinions is a very good way of making friends. Telling them about your own opinions can also work, but not always quite as well."

The preceding quote is from my favorite writer of all time, England's Douglas Adams. He is one of the most brilliant humorists and least obnoxious activists ever to walk this Earth. Adams is best known for having written “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and its four sequels.

A note, here. If you find me funny personally, or if you like my writing, please, please, PLEASE find and read a copy of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” It was the single most influential work as far as both my sense of humor and my writing style are concerned. And don’t try to watch the movie first. It will most likely leave you feeling lost and disillusioned. (Now there are many Adams fans who have read the book many time, yet still claim to have felt lost and disillusioned after watching the movie. That is entirely their problem.)

The reason I bring Douglas Adams up is that one of the things I’ve done to pass the time while Mrs. Z’s been away this week is read a wonderful compilation of Adams’s writings called “The Salmon of Doubt.” The book contains the highlights of what was on his Macintosh at the time of his tragically early death – including an unfinished novel. I have particularly enjoyed the essays included in the book, which cover everything from The Beatles to climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro in a rhino suit. And scattered amongst these writings are nuggets of wisdom like the one I opened this post with – which, incidentally, is from an essay entitled “For Children Only.”

Brilliant stuff, and it got me thinking. If you had access to the personal writings of anyone you chose, who would it be and why? Write a blog entry about it if you like, or merely use this blog’s comment space.

And for goodness’s sake, please read some Douglas Adams. It will make you smile.

What's been going on ...

Well, kids, as you can surmise from the time gap between my previous entry and this one, plenty has been going on in Zoomland – only a fraction of which shall be discussed in this post. That restrictive disclaimer aside, there is still quite a bit to get to, so let’s get to it.

I should first mention Mrs. Z. is, due to a series of extraordinary kindnesses, in the midst of a week’s sabbatical visiting a dear friend in Minnesota. She’s having a great trip, which is not to say she needed some time away from me; rather, she needed some time to and for herself. And that is something she’s had precious little of in the nearly 15 years we’ve been married. It already seems to be agreeing with her, based on this photo I received from her.

Part of the upshot of all this is my spending more time with my mother, or “Z-Mom,“ as I have just now decided to refer to her. While it has been at times maddening spending so much time with someone who admits to still seeing me as 10 years old half the time, it has been, for the most part, a pleasant if somewhat poignant experience. You see, as much as she still sees me as 10, I still see her as 50ish. And to see her age – particularly during the weekend together – has been difficult.

On the plus side, we’ve seen some pretty awesome movies.

First and foremost, I must add my voice to the universal choir singing the praises of “Casino Royale.” Daniel Craig is the best Bond since Sean Connery, and the movie does a great job of recapturing the original essence of 007. This isn’t to say the rest of the Bond films are crap, but they’d become such self-caricatures that they were in danger of becoming irrelevant. Not anymore!

We also saw the latest Denzel Washington/Tony Scott film, “Déjà Vu.” I do recommend it for its sheer entertainment value, but I have a hard time giving it an unqualified “thumbs up.” Because I don’t want to give away any of the movie (and discovery is a big draw to this film), I will just say that “Déjà Vu” deftly switches genres about a third of the way through, then causes fans of that genre to roll their eyes with what I consider a copout ending. That said, it’s very much worth seeing, and in the theater at that.

Then there’s “The Fountain.”


Z-Mom and I saw the Hugh Jackman-Rachel Weisz film on Saturday. No less than six people walked out during the movie, and one young lady who managed to stick through it was heard to mutter, “I have no idea what that was fucking about.” We tended to agree, though Z-Mom would be loath to use such language in public. I know for a fact, however, that she was thinking “What the fuck?” throughout. And I’m sure she still is.

However, the more that I think about it, the more this initially incomprehensible opus is growing on me in precisely the way “Magnolia” didn’t. Its visuals are breathtaking, its acting sincere and its score singularly beautiful. I’m still saying “What the fuck?” but I think I actually like it now. And if I see it again, I’m pretty sure I’ll love it.

Coming soon: more on my week of bachelorhood, including how I quit smoking. (GASP! Literally!)

17 days (cough, cough)

So many cool things happening in my life. So little time to talk about them. So instead, I'll just draw your attention to the fact my Amazon wish list is back up and running, because October really is the coolest month. Just type in "Steve Sykes" to see what I wants.

Ciaaaoooo ...