‘The perfect gift?’ It’s a stretch

What do you get for the woman who has everything? And what if that woman is your mother?

That was the challenge facing Mrs. Zoom and I this holiday season. We started out by asking ourselves what Mom needed. The answer was: not too bloody much. Mom is not wealthy, but neither is she currently suffering. We’ve spent the last few years adding to various collections she has built up, but really — how many teddy bears, stuffed dogs and heart-shaped charms does one really need? And then, my wife the genius came up with a great plan.

We would surprise Mom, it was decided, with dinner at Capisce, a swanky Italian restaurant at the top of our 30-story Hilton. We would follow that up with a limousine ride through downtown Springfield, as Mom has never ridden in a limo before.

The plan went off without a hitch. We had a lovely dinner (supplemented with two bottles of Chardonnay) and a magnificent ride (complemented with two bottles of champagne). By the time we tipped the driver and sent the white 2003 stretch to Mom’s house, Mom was lit. I was happy to contribute, as Mom has been intoxicated perhaps three times in the last 12 years.

Of course, this led to one of the funnier verbal missteps of the evening.

When Mom got home, she called us and thanked us profusely. I let her know it was principally Becky’s idea, which led Mom to declare, “Now I know you REALLY love me!”

What makes this funny rather than tragic is that Mrs. Zoom and my mom actually have a pretty decent in-law relationship. At any rate, it’s much better than the traditional wife/meddling mother-in law archetype. I’m sure my mom KNEW my wife loved her. It was the Chardonnay-and-champagne cocktail talking.

Still, when Mom made her proclamation, my wife couldn’t resist the temptation to roll her eyes a bit, while I mimed a Homer Simpson head slap.

Speakerphone is a wonderful thing.

Happy holidays.